There is this woman who follows me everywhere.

She came along about 20 years or so, about the time I was getting ready to get married. She made all sorts of promises. She told me that if I did everything just the way she does my husband would adore me, my children would all be obedient and smart and I would be the happiest, most fulfilled woman on earth..or at least pretty close.

She is perfectly thin. She has no stretch marks even though she has 12 or so children. She works out every day. She never eats cookies when she shouldn't. Her children are all clean, straight, matching, have fresh haircuts and perfect manners. They all have aspiring interests like learning Chinese and biological engineering. They string harps while they speak Latin to each other, always politely, of course. Her house is organized and she knows where everything is. The kids' (She doesn't call them kids though. She calls them Lambs.) schedule is perfectly laid out and they all get up and get straight to work without being told. Her vegetable garden flourishes and she spends many enriching hours working in it with her children as she lovingly discusses all the ins and outs of life with them, and works on their memory verses. Her children can recite large portions of scripture. Dinner is always lovingly made from scratch with fresh baked bread. Not just regular meals. Things with butter and wine and matching table settings. Nobody says "Awww, I don't like spaghetti."  when they come to her table. She is also interested in her own personal enrichment and she studies art, literature and other sundries of interests. She always has a serene smile. Her house is adorned with her handmade quilts, canned friuts and vegetable and her children wear her hand knit sweaters and sweetly sewn jumpers. (the boys have matching ties) Sunday morning at her house always goes smoothly, with homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  Her windows are clean. Her bathroom is clean and decorated with matching towels. Her kitchen is freshly painted with homemade curtains. Her drawers are neat. Nobody ever has to rummage through three drawers to find the measuring spoons. Her Christmas decorations are all organized, and they go up the day after Thanksgiving. Not one of them gets broken. She is always a sensitive friend. She always remembers to buy card and never puts them on the microwave and forgets to mail them out. She always remembers thankyous. She volunteers for many church needs, bringing meals (Not in disposal containers. Nice ones. That match.) to all who need them, with homemade desert included, maybe some flowers as well from her yard.  Her laundry always smells really nice.  Like lavender. Her babies smell freshly washed. She has a side business where she makes "egg money" for little goodies for her family, and all the kids get valuable business experience through working in it.

Her sons are strong and courageous. Her daughters the very embodiment of feminine virtue.

She is an understanding listener for all her friends. She is a sweet loving support to her husband. She never raises her voice, always knows where the line is between being a counselor to her husband or a nag. She always talks kindly about everyone.

The problem with this woman is I cannot disagree with her on any of it. Everything she tells me is right. But she wears me out sometimes.