This week my third child, Elisa turns 14. She said that turning 14 seemed so much better than being 13. That now she is really, really a teen. Being 13 people often say "Oh, just starting your teens, aye?" when you tell them how old you are. But if you are 14 you can claim you've been a teenager for a while. So it's different. Huh. OK. I guess I can see the logic of that.

Shayleen and Forrest were so much different at that age. Elisa seems to want to be able to live out this whole phase of life. She wants to wear nail polish and name brand jeans. She likes to listen to more current music and watch Julian Smith videos and just feel like she has truly experienced this whole teen thing. I guess some people would kind of think that was a bad thing, but I'm not sure I really do. She isn't doing anything sinful. I think she just wants to feel like she got out of this phase of life what there is to get out of it. I know the music she listens to, the videos she likes to watch, the jeans she wants to wear. I don't object to them. I'm a lot different of a mom to older kids than I thought I would be. We defintely have our boundries, according to the general standards of the world at large, I guess we would be considered pretty strict. But I don't want to be strict simply for strict's sake. When I tell my kids no about something, I want to have reasons for it. Especially with the older kids. They may not agree with me but I think they generally feel like I've at least thought about it and am giving an answer I believe to be the right thing and not just a knee jerk "no" or trying to be conservative for conservatives sake, etc.
I want my kids to start making choices when they are at home and allow them to use their own reasoning skills while they are still under my roof and I can ask them questions about how they made this choice or that. Sometimes I think we parents get so used to sheltering and controling that we forget to allow them to exercise those skills. But then what happens when they are turned out on their own (and they will be!). Will they have their own tools for making desicions they haven't faced when they are in our home?

Sometimes it can be lonely trying to make desicions based on reasons. Sometimes I think it's much easier to make disicions based on where we feel we belong in society as a group. There is security in being easily labeled. If you are a conservative homeschooler type it's very easy just to make desicions based on whatever you perceive your group as approving.  Sometimes people are uncomfortable with people they can't easily "peg" as to what group they belong to. Sometimes you may think you belong in one "group" based on certain things but then when you are around them more you realize you don't really fit with them as much as you thought. Human nature is interesting. I think it would be interesting to be a sociologist.

Another thing is that as parents I think we get comfortable with whatever the styles or habits were of a certain time period and get kind of stuck there.  The things the kids are doing just look odd to us. Or certain colors or style represent different things to us. Shayleen and I were discussing the mix of red and black in clothing. I told her that when I was a kid girls just didn't wear red and black together. It was considered racey. At least in my smallish to medium sized suburban town that's what we thought. And red in general was used sparingly. She said today red is sophisticated and red and black together are "rich".  Hmm.. Interesting. Another time I was talkign to some moms about a certain clothing style that the teens are wearing. They said it just looked plain weird to them. I had to think "Oh well, they aren't wearing it for us anyway. They are dressing more for each other than their old moms!"

Being a parent is interesting. And I'm finding the teen years to be the most interesting yet.

Happy Birthday Elisa.

A bunch of my opinions...

My cousin wrote me an email after my last post, asking about my thoughts on a few things. I don't hold myself up as an expert or anything, but I thought it might be interesting to repost my reply here....

Sarah-
I know that the Pearls say not to correct in anger. But they tell parents to spank until they break a child's will. (Not that she was defending the Pearls)


“…then use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.”


The DA in the case said the little girl was held down for hours. This isn't a case of anger out of control. Nobody could stay mad that long.


But the Pearls teach that the rod is the cleanser of the conscience:


"When a child is bound in self-blame and low self-esteem, parents are not helpless. God has given them the gift of the rod. The rod can bring repentance, but it goes much deeper than that. The rod in the hands of a righteous authority will supply the child’s soul with that moment of judgment that he feels he so deserves. Properly applied, with instruction, it will absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid"


This is simply not always true. And how long do you spank to achieve true repentance and remorse in the child? I have one kid who is usually a pretty easy going, compliant kid but there are some things you simply cannot, will not make her do. She is quite willing to die on some hills. Am I going to force an issue with her to drive her to that point?


But if I believe that it is the rod that brings repentance and the little girl will not repent is there any length that would be to far to go to make sure that she repented and made her heart right with God? I'm not saying that everyone who reads those books will be brought to that extreme of an interpretation, but I can see how in a twisted way someone could.


But it is the Spirit of God that brings repentance and renewal of the heart. Training keeps behavior under control so the children can operate in civilized society, but it can't make the child repent. If that is the goal it could very well add lying to his sins by driving him to fake it.


I do spank, but I tell them ahead of time how many times, (usually one per year, unless it was really bad, like lying or cruelty to someone smaller and/or weaker.) then we do it, I try to pray for them, and then we're done. Repentance is shown by not repeating the behavior, not by crying or going through some sorrowful routine. I'm not holding my method up as "The Way", but that's how I do it.


We know a family in our church that adopted a couple girls. These girls have major, major issues. They have gotten violent, scream, freak out, etc. etc. Spanking them would just escalate the violence. What if the parents of these girls were to follow the teaching above? The little girl in this instance was also adopted. What had she seen in her short little life?


I don't disagree with a great portion of what the Pearls say. But they hold their opinion with such... Oh, I don't know... arrogance really!


And yes, I did read Michaels post "Laughter"? I felt so sick afterward. But what really made me sick were all the agreeable comments that were below. (On the Facebook page, not the page I linked) I had read the post on another site and then clicked over thinking surely they would have gotten a bunch of heat. But no. Of course you have to become a fan in order to comment, I kind of wanted to just to say something, but I just couldn't bring myself to click that "become a fan" button. Ugh. It just makes me sick that so many Christian homeschooling families follow them!


I have never gotten into Bill Gothard. We used to be friends with a family that was really, really into him. Their son (23 years old) left home for a while to work at an orphanage they run. When he came home he and his dad got into an honest to goodness physical brawl over Cheiftain CD's and an R rated movie (It was something like a Mel Gibson. Not promiscuous) Finally he left home and they lost him. It just all kind of turned me off.


As to Quiverfull, that is a much more loosely knit group, and different things can be meant by it. I am on an email list that's called the Quiverfull newsletter. As I understand it, and as endorsed by this particular email list (I believe) being "Quiverfull" is something that a particular family would feel called to (like the mission field) and not a legal law sort of thing for the body of Christ at large. My general feeling is that children are a blessing, that raising a godly family is a work of God's kingdom, as are going into the ministry or the mission field. I do not believe that using non abortive birth control methods is a sin for everyone, though for some it may be if they know God is asking them not to but they just don't wanna. I did feel very called to having a large family. It was always something I wanted, and I would have been sad if I wasn't able to. It isn't like I'm drudging along with pregnancies and all that against my will as some have painted it. But I don't trouble myself with worrying about whether or not other people are using birth control or not. Though I do think it's interesting how the Muslims are taking over the world simply by having large families.


Patriarchy... Do you mean the magazine? I'm not sure. That's a word with a lot of different meanings to different people and some of those views I might agree with and some not. It just depends on the way it's applied. But I do think we have to remember that the family they are raised in is only part of God's plan for our children and not the whole of it and that extending our own vision for our extended family is not the goal but to prepare them to take part in their ultimate and true forever family which is the church. I don't know, the word patriarchy kind of has this idea to me of building a family dynasty where all my children go through life doing things the exact same way we did and all that, which can be a lot more about self glorification. But if what it is is just the general idea that men should lead the household and children should respect their fathers and all that, then fine, yeah..


Vision Forum... Hmm.. and the Botkins, they kind of go hand in hand. I like some of Vision Forums stuff, I get the catalog. Having a vision for the family, honoring veterans, cultivating a culture of healthy boyhood, (including weaponry :) affecting the culture for Christ, being involved in the film industry, that is all good. I haven't really read too much of the Botkins, except that we did read "So Much More " written by his daughters. I just kind of feel like they are a bit over the top. I don't think girls who go to college are feminists or that a girl has to always be patiently waiting at home for a guy to come along to marry her and not have any outside type of work or education. If I had money to send Shayleen to the community college near us, I would love to have her take some music classes. And she's trying to get a job. She has spent her whole life doing things on the home front like changing diapers, cooking, sewing, etc. I think it would be nice for her to be able to do something different for a little while before she gets married while she's able too.


In general the problem that I see potentially with all the things you asked about is that they represent systems that can be good and well as points to consider (whether a girl should go to college or what have you) but they hold themselves up as standards for everyone to adhere to and can cause people guilt when they don't feel like they are measuring up to the standard. Should a girl feel guilty if she would like to have a job and be able to save some money and maybe buy herself a few cute pairs of shoes? Is she worldly for wanting something like that? What if God would be happy to give her that simple pleasure, but instead of feeling the simple joy He desires for her she feels guilty? I don't know. I think Satan likes us to justify the things we ought to feel guilty over and them be overwhelmed with condemnation for little things that aren't prohibited by God. Both ways he gets to mar God's image.


I can't remember which Doug Wilson book I recommended. I don't really think he sets himself up as a "parenting system". Mainly what I really appreciate that we learned from him is that we parent in faith, doing what we know we need to out of obedience to God (like providing a Christian education or disciplining) but we need to do it with the faith that it is God who gives the increase, not our perfect parenting. That is so, so important! I forget this all the time and then I get all absorbed in worries and regrets. He also has some good things to say about raising boys in his Future Men book-teaching them to work and work hard, for moms not to coddle, that sort of stuff.


I hope I covered it all. If you had more specific questions, let me know. It gives me blogging fodder. :)
Kerri

I am sure I am not the only one who has read about the recent tragic episode of child abuse performed in the name of supposed "godly child training."  How something can go so far awry is just so breathtakingly amazing to me.  And as I read it only gets more confusing.  This post is especially heartbreaking, from someone who knew the family, had chatted with the little girl, who never felt any indication of the unspeakable that was to come to this family. It is just unimaginable that anyone could think that this is a representation of the will of the God we claim to serve. That as we as parents tell our children that we are being informed by His word, to beat them, (much less spank them at all) over a reading lesson and this is what the good Lord wills for them and yet at once to tell them that this God loves them and wants a relationship with them and wants them to trust Him.  Yet he wills that they be beaten over a reading lesson? The illogic of the human mind is so baffling. And yet... 

I remember when we were new Christians, and new parents, I read the Pearls avidly. We got the news letter and the books. I was not raised in a Christian home and was very, VERY naive about the Christian community in general. I believed that anyone who claimed to be a Christian was one. And the Pearls spoke with such authority. Spank, spank well, spank often, spank hard and save your child from Hell. Well, golly.  I wanted to be a good Christian parent! I didn't want to raise children for hell, I wanted them to be raised for heaven! My motives were at least probably 90% pure. The other 10% was also feeling a little smug at how superior my children would turn out than the rest of the world, but I wasn't really even aware of that in myself. At the time anyway.

I remember, as I set in to implement this parenting paradigm how every little fault of my children (Two at the time.) stood out to me. I had to be 100% consistent. Every time.  And there took a subtle shift in my thinking-the basis of my relationship with my children was framed more on their performance than on the fact that they were my children. The book promised that if I was 100% consistent every single cotton pickin' time, my children would become the sunniest, happiest, best natured children on the block and I would be the envy of every mother who beheld them. So until I could train everyone of these little defects out of their character, I really couldn't enjoy their company. I was constantly analyzing everything they did to find some wrong heart motive that I needed to train out and was fearful I would miss something, or that I wouldn't see something and then they would be going to hell. I was so frustrated because I couldn't reach the level of perfection the book promised and since this was Christian parenting,  (and anyone who disagreed was obviously deceived at best and a lazy, pagan socialist at worst, so I knew they must be telling the truth!) then it must be me who was the failure. And thats what I finally resigned myself to being. Coming to terms more with the sovereignty of God and my other meandering doctrine path into Calvinism and covenantal parenting was what finally gave me some relief after over ten years of being enslaved to this legalistic mindset.  Thank God for His mercy. So I kind of wandered into the more legalistic, fundamentalist homeschool movement by the back door (that is false doctrine) and came out of it also through the door of doctrine. Interesting. (And folks say doctrine doesn't matter.)

Here is a post on a specific doctrinal points of the Pearls that pretty much summarizes where I was enslaved.  Now as I read it the falseness jumps out at me. But as a new Christian, and in a church that wasn't very doctrinal in it's teaching, I didn't have the discernment.  My goodness, the awesome sense of 

responsibility and failure are still so present to me, I can still feel the weight of them.  

Some have reduced this to a spanking/not spanking debate, but I don't think that gets to the heart of it. No spanking advocate endorses that level of spanking -not even the Pearls. But what does matter is the great questions of all mankind-the nature of God, the nature of our relationship with Him and with each other, His sovereignty versus our responsibility, the nature of Christian children.  

Doctrine matters.

People we love.

A friend at church recently gave Elisa a camera and she is having a lot of fun with it.

I must say, I just love this baby. It is so much fun to have a girl after four boys in a row. Not that boys don't have their own kind of fun and sweetness, but it's different having a girl and I've forgotten how different and so it's fun to have baby girliness anew. She "chatters" all the time. It's just so cute and fun. The girls paint her toenails and it seems like she likes it, and she seems to like wearing dresses and stuff like that, even though she can't say so.  I do so enjoy my babies. What a blessing God has given my to be able to share a life with all these fun interesting young people.






Here are a couple other dear lives that the Lord brings to us.  Lately we are a "coffee stop in" for another family of boys.  Scott (the oldest) works off and on for my husband as a subcontractor (he has his own contracting company) and is finishing up college. Our house is about halfway between his school and his house and so he often stops in for a few minutes at a time to refill his cup. Sometimes he has a younger brother in tow.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a predisposition toward melancholy.  Scott is unendingly cheerful.  When he walks in he brings all the cheerful bluster and noise of young manhood.  He's so much fun to have around! And a blessing to us all as he fills the role of "big brother who has gone away to college but shows up from time to time to boss everyone else around."




Rand took some of the kids up to the mountain to play in the snow.  

Are these not a couple of the coolest guys you ever did see?






We are just oozing with coolness.
Haha, fun.  I love those silly kids.



Speaking of people we love, my middle girls got to go have a sleep over with friends. One of
the families from our church has a set of three girls that are conviniently age paired with my
three middle girls. And blessing of blessing (and perhaps miracle) they ALL get along! :) So my girls got to have a sleep over with them and do all the fun, zany things girls do, including 
making a couple movies. The one above is based on the Julian Smith video "Malk"


If you haven't discovered Julian Smith yet, you simply must. He is hilarious and talented and a home school grad to boot. :) He has lots of videos on youtube to peruse through sometime
when you need a good laugh.


Today I am feeling sick, sitting in bed. Upstairs I can here Christopher playing his sax as his brother and bride to be are moving in upstairs.
We decided to rent out our upper level just to kind of give our budget a little breathing room. 
Rand hasn't been too idle with the economy, which I'm thankful for as some people we know have been very, VERY slow, but he's had to lower his rates and the types of jobs he's been 
getting are smaller and more maintenance like, which means more time on paper work and 
less payable hours. I think it will be fun though, to have Zack and Hannah here. Hannah is a
pro gardener, so I told her she could have free rein in the yard. "I don't want to intrude" she 
says. "No,no, no, you just go right ahead!" says I. I am a terrible gardener.


Well, that's all the new that's fit to print!


By the way, on my window the words are all wonky. (splitting up at the end of a line, leaving lines blank.. wierd. ) I tried to fix it, but it isn't working and I don't know why. Hopefully it isn't that way for anyone else, but I did try to fix it!

I don't know why I just haven't been able to get into blogging lately.  I could use the excuse of time, but I know I've certainly spent enough time on facebook or looking at other peoples' blogs.  Somehow I just can't find a "skin" on this blog that I've been able to get comfortable with.  "It's Blogger!" says my HTML savvy daughter. "They've put so many widgets and stuff into it that it's hard to work with!"  Maybe that's it.  Plus the severe lack of a camera.  She set me up a site at Webs.  Which I haven't even posted at yet... Maybe it's just because I've been feeling a lot of angst and no answer for it.  Who wants to read a lot of that?  Anyway I also feel like we've been going through changes and while I try to figure them out, maybe it's better just to keep one's mouth shut.  I don't know.

Even with the slow economy and the money worries that are the constant companion of the self employed, this has been a very nice winter.  Shayleen has turned 18 and is trying to find a job, trying to find her slot in adult life.  She said it's like waiting at a highway entrance, trying to find a slot to merge into.  A pretty good analogy I think.  Forrest is 16 now.  He's full of angst a lot of the time too.  He's so much like me.  Constantly thinking too much, over analyzing, making things more difficult than they need to be, task oriented, critical, etc. etc... He's gotten into economics and thinks that will be his future path of study.  I love that my kids pick up things that I wouldn't always pick up myself.  It gives me an opportunity to learn about new stuff.  Last Sunday I came home from church and watched a documentary on Ludwig Von Mises.  Heheh.  Fun.

Shayleen continues to homeschool the girls and I school the boys.  Owen is plugging along at reading. It doesn't come easily for him.  He still turns letters around and sometimes tries to read words from the wrong end.  Noah on the other hand is about to make the leap into reading independently.  I always breath a sigh of relief when I get them to that point.  Zeke started school this year and so far he is a breeze.  He hardly turns his letters around and seems to be able to make the leap from making individual sounds to blending them together quite naturally.

If the boys do all their bookwork during the week diligently I make Fridays more fun. I read more, and we are going to do some Origami today.  No workbooks, yeah!  I guess I will just try to keep up posting here, just for myself.  I can't even claim some mom or aunt that might be interested.  Oh well.  I think I did my best blogging back at my old Homeschooler blog and I kind of miss it.  Homeschool blogger has a nice community feel, but it always seemed to have a bunch of glitches and it's hard for anyone who doesn't have an account to comment.

Off to my boys!